意 I'M CONSCIOUS 識
Travel through my thoughts, exploring my joys, fears, and everything in between.
album art by cozygh0st
We all have 意識 inside us, at least that's what we think. But this is ours, and only ours. No one else can truly experience what makes your consciousness different than others, and truly, fully understand you.
In this album I explore my memories, my fears, and all of the many nuances that make me, me.
Nasan Wig Ice Cream
First we explore my sense of visual identity, and great memories of playing games with friends online.
My hair is a distinctive part of my look, along with my Neapolitan color scheme. So much so that when playing games like skribbl.io and Gartic Phone with friends online, it became a running joke to include me in all of the drawings because of how easy my hair is to draw.
Those friends know me as "Nasan", a play on my legal name, Nathan.
Without Them, Who Would I Be?
Continuing on the great memories, Without Them, Who Would I Be? reflects on the Nintendo games I used to play all the time with my friends.
For some time I had regretted the amount of time I spent playing them intead of doing something more productive, but I remind myself that those memories and those games made me who I am today ; I'd probably have a very different life path without them. I'd probably be a totally different person.
I really wish I had more time to play them now that I'm older.
A sudden shift in theme is exactly what this felt like when I experienced it.
10 years before making this song, there was a shooting at my elementary school, a day that has changed me forever. It's taken me a while to deal with, but I am moving on. This song is about my experiences growing up in Sandy Hook, Connecticut.
Seika (2022 Version)
I quite liked this song, but I wrote it at a time where I wasn't very good at what I was doing. I decided to revisit the song and recontextualize it.
Seika (聖歌, "Anthem") is about a time a few years after my experiences in Sandy Hook, on a frigid Christmas eve where I started to question religion as a whole. I asked, あなたを見せれるの？ and after I felt no response, then I wrote a poem titled "Anthem".
(I don't remmeber the contents of this poem specifically. I was a teenager. It was probably cringe. No I will not find it.)
Whew! We're halfway through. And you're still here? Oh! Well thanks for staying this long and listening to the weird noises I hold inside me.
Let's hear some more, shall we?
My eyes are very light sensitive, and as a result, I'm prone to migraines. This all started in high school, where I was in class with a migraine so bad that I was beginning to seriously lose my vision.
I've gotten better about it now, but as a result, I always have my night filters set to 100% and avoid bright lights at all costs to not damage myself further.
My health anxieties continue with Heartburn, a song about the acid reflux I've dealt with since I was a young owlet.
It has quite literally eaten me up inside, and made me incredibly cautious about the food I eat. I was eating practically the same few foods every day until I began to branch out in college.
An early excerpt of this song was featured briefly on a video by Andrew Huang.
Keseru Pen (2022 Version)
Like Seika, this is a song recontextualized from an older song about a poem I wrote... on another Christmas eve a few years later.
This was about a Keseru Pen (消せるペン, "Erasable Pen"), and how people try to claim that permanent things can be removed. Issues like Anxiety, Depression, etc., aren't fixed by a simple "just smile and get over it".
Including a rework of Seika in this album without Keseru Pen felt wrong. I couldn't find something that really souded right for it, but I'm learning to move on. I know it just can't be perfect.
I have struggled with perfectionism for a long time with all of my projects, to a point where I'm never truly happy with something I've made because I constantly see every little place where it could be improved. This has led to projects left unfinished, or dissatisfaction when I post my work online.
I know, however, that things need to be called done eventually, despite all their obvious flaws which rip me apart inside. This song is a broken mess... Just as it always would have been.
On our way out already... We didn't nearly have enough time to get to it all, but it looks like our time here is up.
Goodbye, I'll see you later. Feel free to dive back in if you want. I'll still be here.